thoughts-->emotion

For the past 1 month, i had tried nt even to mention abt it, becos i am aware that the worst and most unreluctant consequence which i dun ever wan to accept might just come true. And when yesterday's clock struck 12 midnight, the truth is finally out. And yes, the worst happened. I failed the paper which smashed my wish of maintaining clean record in uni years, which is nt to bao any paper. Failures r hard to accept, and for me, who is so stubborn , defensive and of cos, put in 100 percent in the paper, i cant swallow this shame. How can i fail it, when i worked so hard for it. I knew during the paper, i totally went blank. Becos, i didnt expect anything like that to come out. And that spelt doom for me. Argh. Yesterday, when i first saw the result, i didnt have any reaction. things went on as normal. but as the hrs and mins seep by, i could feel that the disappointment slowly sunk in. and it was really painful. i couldnt accept the fact that i am a failure, when in the past, i am the one looking at others failing. really hard to accept. And i couldnt get to sleep in peace. everything seemed so gloomy today. Just cant accept the fact of being a failure. i know i am catastrophing things. I know this is a small failure. But to me, it seemed big, cos i fight to avoid it, yet it haunted me. when i least expect it, in the final year. While at Wanwei's party today, everything that bothers me seemed to clear off, temporarily. And Linda told me that i shld be glad that this is nt my last sem. true.. but i cannot handle this deadly strike to my pride. Painful .. --1230am

Talked to many frens online (Chiewlin, HL, Zu)abt the incident,and also my bro.. they made me realised that this isnt a big problem after all. yup, as Zu said, i cant keep stepping on the same spot. must pick myself up from the grd.. that is life. Ups and downs. I always take ups for granted, and see DOWNS as a big thing. retrospectively, i nv give myself a pat on my back when i did ok/good, no credits for the things that r expected by myself to achieve. But when i hit a pitfall, i will bear all the blames by myself.that is miserable. Now, i will give credits to my good peformances in future, and will pick myself from the grd, shake off the blame burden, and try to move on, when i fall.

Frenship--fragile if nt taken well care of

After a lengthy period of consideration, i had come to a conclusion. Some people whom we know, and regarded as frens, are actually not frens in reality. Why? Just simply one thing that can differentiate a fren from a school mate/classmate, the former bothers abt u, the latter not so. I can tell who r those whom r frens, and those whom are nt, and maybe nt so worthy to be called frens. Sad, but true, they seemingly doesnt have any interest in ur comments, and maybe doesnt bother abt ur existence. Maybe one day when u r gone(migrated or what lah), they may feel not much difference b/w the past and present.

Alright, i am quite disappointed, cos i already identified one. maybe we shldnt ask sth in return when lending a helping hand when others r in need, but sometimes, when we r deprived from the basic care and concern when we most needed them, we expect those whom we had cared for when they most needed us, to shower the same concern on us when we r down. That is human nature, isnt it? when our expectation of such person doesnt fulfill, we will be disappointed, and when come to a point, prepare to lose the frenship if such situation holds for too long.

To that person in mind, u r absolutely a great companion in the past, but i had been disappointed, nt becos u had done sth wrong, but becos i expect too highly from u. Nt ur fault, nt mine too, i supposed all r nt fated.

Kids' World

Joined the annual Kids' World held during Dec again. And today went to sch to take a piece of model details, before meeting YS and co. During the meet up, what KB said about VM and WSC , although i can agree to of his points, but i think he is over critical of the purpose of certain dept's existence and purposes of activities like Kids' World. I think different ppl have different perception towards an activity. For me, the existence of VM is to encourage voluntary work. And yes, the operation is not as influential as other depts, but i think that voluntary work in Sg is in its infant state, thus if VM is nt operating in a way that is like other depts, tt it is kind of ineffienent ,i think we shldnt just criticise and condemn it's existence, but we shld really make an impact by putting ideas into actions, if we really want a change of attitude in VM members, and Sg's voluntary youths at large. And the best way is to participate actively and voice out changes that shld be made. But i felt that activities like Kids' World is kind of introduction to youths to what is voluntary works like, and that shldnt be too stressful in its contents. So it shld be fun, and, of cos bring joy to the children too. Ok,no hard feeling abt his words, but i felt tt he over criticise the cause of certain event. Some times, if we dun ask too much from sth, we will find joy doing it.Is tt what we r trying to constantly achieve in life? Happiness and satisfaction.

Thanks!

Erm, thanks to those who showed concerned abt last entry lol. But i am totally alright la, just some grumbling abt this world. Not at all serious. Yeah. Just now met a neighbour of ten plus yrs outside when i am returning home from the lib. haha, have a nice chat with her, and she kept mentioning when i was young, how naughty i was and now how 'guai' i have been .. LOL, guai sia, i felt a bit like a child when she mentioned that i was guai. LOL, and she told the people in the queue.. A Bit embarrassing lol, but it is a compliment mah, so of cos i appreciated that.

Tonight, Arsenal is versusing Chelsea. and Man U against Liverpool. Big clashes. As usual, i dun like looking at the action, only like to read the results and report/postviews of the matches. waiting for the result. hope that Arsenal will win. and hope that Man U and Liverpool will draw. lol.

Tml is the Kids' World's first day! haha, so fast! but as a 'ex-VM' member as the GL said, haha we r v experienced. WAHAHA. lao jiao sia. so shldnt be a problem with the problematic kids. cos it is only a short 3 days stint! I think the girls will again feel emotional at the end of the camp. as usual... -_-

And looking forward to the release of the exam's results! looking forward to graduation!
and of cos, the SAKURA, mahjong and over night stint we bball gang have organised for the upcoming Xmas!

FUCKED up world

This world is fucked up. Everything. Yes i am self centred. I THINK I AM RIGHT. DAMN. IF U WAN TO MAKE ME CHANGE MY MIND. DAMN, U CAN WAIT all u wan.

Those category 1 arsehole R the worst. FUCK U!

The cat 2 ones i can tolerate. DUN TRY TO STEP ME ON MY Tail. Fuck u ALSO!

The cat 3 ppl, alright, i know i always vent on u. BUT PLEASE for goodness sake, I AM V DEFENSIVE. DUN Offend me IN a way u also will feel BAD if i did it upon u.

I CANT TOLERATE THE BASTARD WORLD ANYMORE. IF there is a way, I WAN TO GET out of here. ALL by myself.