Mistakes

I had mistakes with out realising them. Now, i am starting to feel apologetic. But i am relieved that the mistakes are not very serious.

But i think sometimes, time is the best medicine for healing such wounds i inflicted on others, cos i seemingly cant find any better way to make them feel better.

Almost got into a fight yesterday. V v bad temper management on myside. Now i had made a proj member agitated thru some miscomm.. Really need to think thru.. being over sensitive to others' behaviour is the main cause behind such unhappy incidents.

From funny to fan.. i really need to jian dian.

Well, i need to be responsible for my own works, so need to jiayou, though mood is nt that good.

This weekend passed really quickly.. a blink of eye and we r gg into monday. frankly, this weekend i felt so unmotivated. Only completed 1 tutorial. That is all. nth else. played games, watched tv, played bball, slept and my weekend passed, just like this.

Been catching Lovers in Paris every Sunday. Oo.. think the show is not bad. like the casts, cos i think their actings r superb.

Wasnt feeling exactly alright on saturday. Was quite grumpy then, so chatted with yangshan over msn. and i remembered that she mentioned that we always got into argument, cos of really different ideas. haha, but i didnt notice that we even argued before.

And recently, i felt that a fren of mine is hiding something from me.. some comments or views tat she had.thus, i felt a growing gap in the frenship. but it isnt anyone's fault, everyone had everyone's private space. Just that i believe the frenship had reached a bottleneck. Maybe some ppl really cant click with other ppl.

Bball-- Ok, nt too bad this week, and tank 1 stepped on my new shoes, shit!

Weight-- well, dropped 2 kg 2 days ago, now bounced back with vengence. eh.. maybe is dehydration.

Hope to go out, but..i think that is just a motivation, and it will remain a motivation till end of exams...

I just cant understand, no matter how much effort i put in, there bound to be such situation, where the error i made in the test is not beyond my limit. Meaning i could make it right, but i didnt do it during the test. It made me felt guilty and at fault. Like as if i didnt study hard enuff.. felt the stress i induced on myself is getting lesser, but at the same time, it is getting more intense everytime i felt stressed.. to the extent that my chest will feel tremendous sharp pain.. i fear that one day, i might have a sudden heart attack or stroke. This is serious. If the occurance made me dead, at least it is alright. The most fearful is that i am still alive, and paralysed. Bah.. i just couldnt take lightly of Win & Lose situations. Is this called perfectionistic behaviour? I dun wan be seen as a grade obsessed person, nor a success-obsessive person. Cos i despise such ppl. But i cant accept failure easily. Talk is cheap, doing it is difficult. I am just wondering is this cant-accept-failure mentality of mine preventing me to explore new arenas, where risk adverse ppl like me wont dare to step in? I could ruminate and be grevious of whatever mistake i made, cos i believe i could get it right, but in this world, rarely we have a second chance, so let's not indulge in What IFs.. Then again , talk is cheap. Doing it is hard. These thoughts r nt sudden. It keeps coming out in my mind whenever i failed in anything( failed, in my own context.. maybe others see it as alright, but to me, i feel utterly disappointed) , and the cause of the failure , to me, is because of me. Let's not mention failure in studies, cos that is too frequent a disappointment to me. but, as long as i felt my interest being depleted cos of certain thing tat i FELT i have under achieve, i will felt to have failed. Now, isnt that obsessive? Obsessive about perfecting certain things that i held high esteem of?

Life is suffocating. Everyone seemed busy. Hope i can live out this gloomy period and enjoy the sunshine after the rain. But then again.. i dunno how can studying without worries of how to get my 3 meals a day be so torturous. Arent i too frail? Or is the way how human psychic responds?