thoughts-->emotion

For the past 1 month, i had tried nt even to mention abt it, becos i am aware that the worst and most unreluctant consequence which i dun ever wan to accept might just come true. And when yesterday's clock struck 12 midnight, the truth is finally out. And yes, the worst happened. I failed the paper which smashed my wish of maintaining clean record in uni years, which is nt to bao any paper. Failures r hard to accept, and for me, who is so stubborn , defensive and of cos, put in 100 percent in the paper, i cant swallow this shame. How can i fail it, when i worked so hard for it. I knew during the paper, i totally went blank. Becos, i didnt expect anything like that to come out. And that spelt doom for me. Argh. Yesterday, when i first saw the result, i didnt have any reaction. things went on as normal. but as the hrs and mins seep by, i could feel that the disappointment slowly sunk in. and it was really painful. i couldnt accept the fact that i am a failure, when in the past, i am the one looking at others failing. really hard to accept. And i couldnt get to sleep in peace. everything seemed so gloomy today. Just cant accept the fact of being a failure. i know i am catastrophing things. I know this is a small failure. But to me, it seemed big, cos i fight to avoid it, yet it haunted me. when i least expect it, in the final year. While at Wanwei's party today, everything that bothers me seemed to clear off, temporarily. And Linda told me that i shld be glad that this is nt my last sem. true.. but i cannot handle this deadly strike to my pride. Painful .. --1230am

Talked to many frens online (Chiewlin, HL, Zu)abt the incident,and also my bro.. they made me realised that this isnt a big problem after all. yup, as Zu said, i cant keep stepping on the same spot. must pick myself up from the grd.. that is life. Ups and downs. I always take ups for granted, and see DOWNS as a big thing. retrospectively, i nv give myself a pat on my back when i did ok/good, no credits for the things that r expected by myself to achieve. But when i hit a pitfall, i will bear all the blames by myself.that is miserable. Now, i will give credits to my good peformances in future, and will pick myself from the grd, shake off the blame burden, and try to move on, when i fall.