I just cant understand, no matter how much effort i put in, there bound to be such situation, where the error i made in the test is not beyond my limit. Meaning i could make it right, but i didnt do it during the test. It made me felt guilty and at fault. Like as if i didnt study hard enuff.. felt the stress i induced on myself is getting lesser, but at the same time, it is getting more intense everytime i felt stressed.. to the extent that my chest will feel tremendous sharp pain.. i fear that one day, i might have a sudden heart attack or stroke. This is serious. If the occurance made me dead, at least it is alright. The most fearful is that i am still alive, and paralysed. Bah.. i just couldnt take lightly of Win & Lose situations. Is this called perfectionistic behaviour? I dun wan be seen as a grade obsessed person, nor a success-obsessive person. Cos i despise such ppl. But i cant accept failure easily. Talk is cheap, doing it is difficult. I am just wondering is this cant-accept-failure mentality of mine preventing me to explore new arenas, where risk adverse ppl like me wont dare to step in? I could ruminate and be grevious of whatever mistake i made, cos i believe i could get it right, but in this world, rarely we have a second chance, so let's not indulge in What IFs.. Then again , talk is cheap. Doing it is hard. These thoughts r nt sudden. It keeps coming out in my mind whenever i failed in anything( failed, in my own context.. maybe others see it as alright, but to me, i feel utterly disappointed) , and the cause of the failure , to me, is because of me. Let's not mention failure in studies, cos that is too frequent a disappointment to me. but, as long as i felt my interest being depleted cos of certain thing tat i FELT i have under achieve, i will felt to have failed. Now, isnt that obsessive? Obsessive about perfecting certain things that i held high esteem of?

Life is suffocating. Everyone seemed busy. Hope i can live out this gloomy period and enjoy the sunshine after the rain. But then again.. i dunno how can studying without worries of how to get my 3 meals a day be so torturous. Arent i too frail? Or is the way how human psychic responds?